Strategies for Engagement
The most common strategy for dealing with an irritating colleague is avoidance. While this might be the easiest, most nonconfrontational option, it rarely is effective in the workplace. In reality, it is difficult to continually avoid certain individuals, and it drains our emotional energy.
Daniel Goleman, the co-director of the Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations at Rutgers University, tells us that the first step in working with difficult people is to manage our feelings. He suggests that we try to focus on our own reaction rather than fixating on how the other person is acting. We cannot control another’s actions — we can only control how we react to them.
Goleman has a few other suggestions:
Accept that you will not like everyone. The expectation that we will like everyone we encounter and they will like us is simply unrealistic. Acknowledge that you clash with certain individuals and do your best to remain professional in your workplace dealings with them.
Before placing blame on someone else, take the time to look at your role in the situation; conflict requires two or more parties.
Keep your feelings to yourself.
Toxic environments are the result of employees complaining about each other. While venting might offer an outlet for negative emotions, it undermines the effectiveness of the team. Further, griping at work can lead to you being labeled as the problem. A wise decision would be to “vent” to a therapist or significant other and keep the workplace positive and productive.
Choose to work with them.
Rather than avoiding unpleasant people, seek an opportunity to work closely with them. This is certainly counterintuitive; however, as you learn more about the other person, it’s possible that you will find that you are more compatible than you thought.
Consider providing feedback.
Another option might be to provide feedback to your colleague. Although people always want to be seen in a favorable light, many times they are unaware of how they are perceived by others.
Before going this route, be sure that you are a skilled communicator, you have no deep-seated biases against the individual, and that you are able to deliver feedback in a positive, productive manner.
If you choose to follow this option, ensure the feedback is kind, empathetic, specific, and helpful. It should focus on behaviors that can be controlled and can lead to a greater level of self-awareness.
Adopt a disinterested attitude.
Some situations cannot be managed directly and might require that you emotionally detach yourself from your colleague. By ignoring or compartmentalizing behaviors you find irritating, you give yourself permission to focus on more important tasks.
Be tactful.
While you might want to verbally annihilate your irritating colleagues, the reaction will create more problems than it solves, with the result being that you have become the problem.
Managing your emotions and choosing tact over temper is an important social skill. It is most productive to be soft with the person but firm on the important issues.
Don’t take it personally.
Often, people’s misbehavior has nothing to do with those around them. Rather, it is a result of stress in their circumstances, and others are caught in the crosshairs of their angst. It is hard to remain calm at the moment, but this is exactly what you must do while remembering that the interaction is not personal.
Choose your battles.
Not every situation is worth your time and attention. Before engaging with troublesome colleagues, consider whether it is a situational issue that will dissipate or it is an ongoing issue that requires resolution. What it comes down to is whether the possible benefit is worth the prob- able confrontation.
Set boundaries.
It would be ideal if we were able to set up a roadblock that keeps untenable coworkers at bay. Although a physical barrier is not possible, you might be able to create parameters related to how much time you spend with the person and the context in which that time is spent. Perhaps tensions can be eased when other positive team members are present or when meeting agendas have a specific and narrow focus that requires the abrasive team member to work more harmoniously.
Associate with positive colleagues.
For your sanity, it is important that you find colleagues with whom you work well. Try to focus on the positive interactions with them rather than on negative ones.
Consider your role.
It is easy to point fingers at others. Before placing blame on someone else, take the time to look at your role in the situation; conflict requires two or more parties. With reactions in check, take the time to consider everyone’s role in current and past situations. What does body language say? Does tone match intention? Does everyone enter interactions with positive expectations or ready for a fight?
Also, we need to be mindful of our own histories. If everywhere we go, we find people with whom we have intense conflicts, it is probably worth further reflection on our role in those interactions.
NAVIGATING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
When difficult issues must be addressed, follow these guiding principles:
1. Recognize that you need to address the issue.
2. Control your emotions. Balance is key.
3. Create a safe space for the conversation.
4. Listen for understanding.
5. Speak from the heart. Be frank but courteous.
6. Allow for differences. There’s not always one right answer.
7. Slow down, especially when listening. Allow for silence.
8. Take time to reflect. How did it go? How did the other person think it went?
9. Create a win-win. The conversation is about the result, not the event.
Happiness Is Our Choice
We have to remember that we have control over ourselves and our mental states. Other people do not “make” us behave in a certain way. Ultimately, we choose how we are going to respond to those who frustrate and annoy us. The next time someone leaves you feeling exasperated, take a minute to gather your thoughts, remain mindful of the context of the situation, and make choices that will advance the goals of your team.